


please don't go (please come home)

by fraudulentzodiacs



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Internalized Biphobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25247125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fraudulentzodiacs/pseuds/fraudulentzodiacs
Summary: The words had left his mouth before Matty had even had time to consider them. Careless, thoughtless words had always been a hallmark of their arguments, finding just the right way to hurt each other the most with the least amount of effort. If they were rough with each other physically on the ice, it was no match for how they were in the privacy of their own home when they devolved into this.
Relationships: Leon Draisaitl/Matthew Tkachuk
Comments: 24
Kudos: 264
Collections: Discord 2





	please don't go (please come home)

**Author's Note:**

> For this week's supremely angsty prompt on the RPF server "If you leave… I won't be here when you get back."

"If you leave… I won't be here when you get back."

The words reverberate around the space, echoing in Matty’s head. The kitchen, that had been filled with raised voices and smashed dishes a few minutes prior, is eerily silent now. Leon’s across the kitchen island from him, his heavy breathing the only sound in the room. The words had left his mouth before Matty had even had time to consider them. Careless, thoughtless words had always been a hallmark of their arguments, finding _just_ the right way to hurt each other the most with the least amount of effort. If they were rough with each other physically on the ice, it was no match for how they were in the privacy of their own home when they devolved into this.

Leon stares at him, and Matty stares back.

“You don’t mean that.” Leon tells him, shaking his head.

“I do.”

“Matthew-“

“I mean it, Leon. I can’t keep doing this, can’t be your dirty little secret. You talk about buying a home together, building a life together, but it’s been _three years_ and you won’t introduce me to anyone other than as Matty, the rival turned friend. I want to be Matthew, your boyfriend, your partner, your…”

“My what?” Leon presses, and Matty deflates, as if his strings had been cut.

“You know what.” Matty thinks to the ring in his sock drawer at his home back in Calgary. He’d spotted it while helping Brady shop for a ring for his girlfriend-turned-fiancée, and he hadn’t been able to get it out of his head until he’d gone online four months ago and ordered it. They’d been in a good place, then, and Matty had thought…well, it didn’t matter what he’d thought at this point.

“I’m tired of you being ashamed of me.” Matty admits, and he flat out refuses to let the tears burning in his eyes fall. “I’m tired of not being good enough for you.”

“Matty, that’s not-“

“Just go.” Matty snaps. “Go to Davo’s for a few hours.”

“No.”

“Goddamn it Leon, _go_. I can’t look at you right now.” It’s Leon’s house, he can’t _really_ make him leave if he doesn’t want to. “ _Please_.”

“Okay.” Leon nods. “Okay, but I’ll be back and then we’re going to talk about this.”

Matty tries not to flinch when Leon moves into his space, but judging by the wounded look in Leon’s eyes he doesn’t succeed. He knows that Leon would never hurt him, not really, but the vicious words they’d thrown back and forth had hurt more than any hit he’d ever received on the ice. He lets Leon wrap a hand around his neck, lets him hold him still while he drops a soft, fleeting kiss on the corner of his mouth. It makes Matty’s chest aches, but he manages to wait until the door’s closed behind Leon before collapsing into one of the kitchen island stools and lets the sobs loose.

It takes less time than he’d thought it would to pack up everything of his in Leon’s house, and after three years that has to say something, Matty figures. A year and a half of building a tentative friendship after Matty’s first All-Star appearance, of small smiles and eye rolls and shoves that turned into pressing up against one another in club booths. Then, eight months of fucking each other’s brains out at every opportunity, all while Matty fell head over heels in love despite his best efforts. A whispered, desperate confession against Leon’s skin in the dark while Matty had been sure he’d been asleep. Leon whispering it back, making Matty feel like he could do _anything_ because Leon _loved him_. Three years of stolen moments, countless road trips to Edmonton and Calgary, vacations that neither could post about on Instagram, Matty’s family the only people who knew about them. Almost five years since that game, and all Matty had to show for it in Leon’s house was a drawer of clothes, a couple pairs of shoes, and a single photo of them on Leon’s nightstand, tucked away in the privacy of his bedroom where no one could see.

It’s that picture – from their trip to Greece during their first offseason, when Matty had flown to Germany for a few weeks and had ended up staying most of the summer – that makes Matty’s decision. He’d always been the one pushing for more with Leon, always hoping that one day Leon would choose him. Choose him over his disapproving family, over his fears about coming out, over everyone and everything because that’s what Matty did _every time_. He leaves it on the nightstand – he has his own copy in his living room – and drops his key to Leon’s house in front of it.

His phone starts going off when he’s just past Bowden, one text then another and another. Matty ignores them, and ignores that back-to-back calls Leon makes, but he has to pull over near Airdrie, tears blurring his vision. He sobs against the steering wheel, feeling his chest split open when _Leon <3_ pops up on his display as he calls for the fourth time.

He doesn’t check his phone until he’s back in the safety of his apartment, his things from Leon’s house still waiting in his car. He swipes the missed calls away and hesitates for a moment before pulling up their text message thread.

**Leon <3**

_Where are you? Your car is gone_

_Matty?_

_Matty did you leave?_

_Answer your phone!!_

_Please_

_I’m sorry_

_Please answer your phone_

_I’m worried about you_

_Matty_

_Please just let me know you’re okay_

_I’m sorry_

Matty pulls up the keyboard, writes out a response, deletes it, writes a new one, deletes it again.

**Matty**

_I’m fine I’m home_

Once the message goes through, once it says _read_ and the three bubbles pop up that tell Matty that Leon’s replying, he blocks Leon’s number.

He goes about his routine as best he can after that. He has practice the next day, and a game against the Ducks that day after that, so he does some core work on his living room floor. He FaceTimes Brady, who’s too loved up and excited to discuss his upcoming bachelor party to notice that unnaturally Matty’s quiet. It’s why he doesn’t answer when Taryn calls – she’d take one look and _know_. She’d been the first person he’d come out to ten years ago, when he’d been young and dumb and _terrified_ of being a gay player in the NHL. She’d only been thirteen, but she’d held him and petted his curls and told him that she loved him, that their parents would still love him, that he was talented and strong and he had taken those words through his draft, through his first season, through everything. She was his rock, his best friend, had been the first person he’d told when Leon had finally kissed him. The only person he’d shown the ring to.

He goes to practice, does his best to be his normal pest self – chirping his teammates, skating circles around them until they pay attention to him – but he’s so drained by the end of it that he has to beg off a lunch invite from Monny, and collapses face first onto the couch the moment he gets home.

Weeks pass, and Matty misses Leon like a missing limb. He finds himself reaching for his phone any time he thinks of something he wants to tell him, every time his teammates do something profoundly stupid. He refuses to watch Oilers games, but he can’t avoid the news on social media when Leon scores a hat trick against the Hawks. He watches the celly on a loop on his phone, Leon’s smile wide as McDavid crashes into him, the home ice littered with hats as Leon waves up at the screaming crowd. The smile is so familiar to Matty that it feels like a punch in the gut. He’s seen a smaller, softer smile directed at him and only him so many times, and it _hurts_ but Matty can’t stop watching. He falls asleep with his phone in his hand, and the video is the first thing that pops up when Matty opens his phone the next morning.

The season progresses, and soon enough it’s the All-Star break. Matty had considered going home, seeing his family, but the last time he’d spoke to his mom Taryn had apparently finally spilled the beans about Matty and Leon’s breakup. The pitying, worried look on his mom’s face was enough to convince him that he couldn’t handle a week of that in person. Taryn had offered to fly up to Calgary, or join him on some last-minute getaway, but Matty had told her that he really just wanted to stay in Calgary and rest up before the final stretch of the season. If she’d known that he really just wanted to hole up in his apartment and wallow, she didn’t say anything.

It had been almost two months since he’d left Leon’s house, and Matty was far enough removed from the situation now to realize he’d spent much of that time waiting and hoping that Leon would come to him, that he’d chase Matty for once in his life instead of the other way around. When it didn’t happen, when days turned into weeks turned into months, Matty had locked that hurt and disappointment away in his heart in a box labeled “Leon – do not touch.”

It’s what makes it all the more surprising when he comes home from a run the day before the All-Star game to find Leon sitting on his couch.

He shakes his head, sure that he’s imagining it. Leon was supposed to be in Dallas representing the Oilers once again. He definitely wasn’t supposed to be in Calgary, sitting in Matty’s living room, staring at him with wide eyes.

“I need to shower.” Is not what Matty means to say, and he doesn’t hesitate before turning away from Leon and practically running for the master suite. He slams the bathroom door behind himself and rubs his hands over his face. Leon is _here_ , in Calgary, and they’re finally going to have to deal with the fallout from their breakup.

He showers, changes into a pair of worn sweats and a faded Flames t-shirt, and returns to the living room. Leon’s not where he left him, instead he’s standing near the TV, staring down the mass of framed pictures that Matty keeps on a shelf. It’s a place of honor for only his favorite people and pictures, and he watches as Leon picks up one from the front row. He knows which one it is before he gets close – his mom had taken it when he and Leon had visited before the beginning of training camp this season. They were out on the boat, Matty laughing at something Brady had said, his eyes closed and his mouth wide open. He was pressed into Leon’s side, Leon’s arm wrapped around him, and they looked _happy_. Matty’s favorite part of the picture, though, was how Leon was looking at him. He doesn’t think that Leon knew his mom was taking the picture, otherwise he wouldn’t have been so unguarded. Leon had looked so full of love, so calm and settled and peaceful and it had been directed at Matty of all people, and Matty had been sure his heart was going to burst when his mom had sent him the picture. It was the first time he’d looked at Leon and thought _forever_.

“I’ve always loved this picture.” Leon’s voice sends a bolt of electricity down Matty’s spine.

“Me too.”

“When your mom sent it to me, she said it was her favorite picture of you.” Leon chuckled, drily, running his finger over the picture. “She said it was when she knew that I’d always take care of you.”

“Why are you here, Leon? You’re supposed to be in Dallas.”

“I had the front office tell them I had an upper-body injury. They sent Nuge instead.”

“But why are you _here_?” Matty’s tone is sharp and clipped, and he gets some small satisfaction when Leon flinches and sets the photo back on the shelf.

“I miss you.” Matty’s chest hurts, and the laugh that escapes him is cruel.

“No.” Matty shakes his head, his damp curls swinging. “No, you don’t get to come here and say you miss me and think that that _fixes_ everything. It doesn’t fix _anything_ , Leon.”

“I know.”

“What do you know, Leon? I’ve followed your lead in this relationship for years, let you set the pace, let you keep us a secret from everyone. I get it, you’re scared, but it’s been three years. How am I supposed to think your absolute refusal to publicly acknowledge me is anything other than the fact that you’re ashamed to be with me?”

“I didn’t want to be the first out player.”

“I wasn’t asking you to come out!” Matty grips his hair, paces the space behind the couch separating them. “I’ve never asked that! I just wanted to be a part of your life, your real life. I wanted to meet your family, I wanted to go to dinner with McDavid and his girlfriend because he’s your best friend and he’s important to you. I wanted to hold your hand in front of your teammates, in front of my teammates. We didn’t have to come out to whole fucking world, Leon, I just wanted to be part of _your_ world.”

“Matthew…”

“I think that you should leave.” Matty wraps his arms around himself, staring down at the ground.

“No.” Matty’s head snaps up at the determination in Leon’s tone. “You got to talk, now it’s my turn.

“I’ve always been so scared of someone finding out about me being bi. I never had a relationship with a man because of it. I mean, if I was attracted to girls, why not make my life easier and just be with a girl? Then, I met you. And I _hated_ you, god I hated you so much. You’re such a pest, and you knew just how to get under my skin. Then we became friends. You were still the most annoying person I’d ever met, but I couldn’t help but smile when I thought of you and that terrified me more than anything. I fell in love with you, and being with you was so much more than anything I’d ever experienced before – man or woman.”

“Then why…?” Matthew starts, softly, and Leon shakes his head.

“I don’t know. I don’t know why, honestly. My family may not be happy about me being with a man, but they’d get over it. The team would accept me no matter what, I know that.”

“So, it really is just about me.” Matthew stares down at the floor again. It’s his worst fear confirmed, that he’s not good enough – that he’ll never be good enough.

“Do you know why I came back from Davo’s as quickly as I did?” Matty shakes his head but doesn’t look at Leon. “I told him about us. He knew that I’d been dating someone for a while, and he asked me if I hadn’t told anyone because it was a guy. So, I told him it was you and you know what he said? He told me that it made sense, that _we_ made sense. So, I told him what happened, and he called me an idiot. Told me to go home and fix it if I thought it was worth it. And I realized…I realized that you’re worth everything. Matthew, you _are_ everything to me.”

Matty expels a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, feels his hands shaking. It’s everything he’s waited years to hear, but he’s not sure if it’s still too late.

“I know I can’t fix the mistakes I’ve made, but I want to make it right with you, if you’ll give me the chance.” Leon takes a few tentative steps closer, until Matty looks up at him with what he’s sure are red-rimmed eyes. “Oh, _schatz_. I’m so sorry I hurt you for so long.” Matty leans into his touch when Leon cups his face and wipes a tear from his cheek. “I want to come out with you.”

“Leon…” Matty pulls away from his touch, wipes the rest of his tears away with the back of his hand. “You don’t have to do this because you think a grand gesture will fix this or that you have to do it for me.”

“I want to do it.” Leon assures him. “It’s time, I’m ready. I want everyone to know that you’re the most important person to me. I want to walk down the street and hold your hand and not worry about someone recognizing us. I want to bring you to family skate and dress you up in Oiler blue and orange.”

“Never happening.” Matty says with a wet chuckle. Leon’s eyes are wet now, too, and Matty reaches out and intertwines their fingers. “We have a lot more to talk about.”

“I know.” Leon brings their joined hands up to his lips, kissing Matty’s knuckles. “We will.”

“Can you promise me something?” Leon nods immediately. “Promise you won’t leave again? Promise you won’t let _me_ leave?”

Leon smiles, that soft smile that Matty knows is just for him. The one he’s missed so much that he has to lean in and kiss it. Leon whimpers against his lips, but doesn’t try to deepen the kiss when Matty pulls away.

“When I came home and you were gone, I thought that I’d ruined everything, that I deserved it because I made you feel like you weren’t important – that I didn’t love you. I never want to feel the way I felt when I realized you were gone ever again.”

“Guess we’re stuck with each other.”

“Guess so.” Leon sighs, long-suffering, but he smiles and kisses Matty again.

Matty smiles into the kiss and thinks of the ring that’s still in his sock drawer.


End file.
